It has been quite a long time since my last post. July passed, then August followed, and September is well already going to end. And I am snowed under a huge lot of work, which may only be completed on time with a miracle.
I am exhausted, but I cannot sleep. I am sitting in the dark, or more precisely, in the dim light coming from the screen of my computer. There is something hauntingly beautiful in it that I cannot resist. It is raining outside and I feel nothing save my numbness about everything. And I believe that I love the sound of the drops of rain pattering on roofs and on the ground. Perhaps it is soothing, it is musical, in my ears at least.
These days I have been watching many films and reading quite many books, at my standard reading speed in the least, among which the most important is Sapiens, by an Isreali historian. And two recent months are my sci-fi films stint.
I am still waiting for the result of the last scholarship round for this year, which is annoying and tiring even though I am used to rejections. Some of my friends have commenced their studies abroad, some have already come back home. I also keep sending my poems away to journals and magazines, and keep receiving rejection emails, which is sad, while I know that my submissions do attract the readers at those journals to my personal blog, which can be deemed as a success in some way. At the end of the day, I have more readers to my work, my thoughts, something like that. And for many times, I have come to think that if my application for a scholarship was not successful, it was just because it was not for me anyway, that I would be better off being elsewhere, in other times but not this. The thought was consolable.
It begins pouring down outside, and I am thinking about the trip to Cambodia I made with my college friends in August, during which I visited Angkor Wat, which was really magnificent. And I wondered what it was during the golden age of Khmer Empire and how much effort and how many people, how much money they put into building such temples. I wondered how they had lived at the times. I had a really good time there, of which I do not remember much now. Sometimes, I believe that my mind is on the way to dwindle, to fade away at the high velocity which I myself cannot be fully aware of. Sometimes I think that what I am using is broken English and Creole French, and that my memories are just a melting pot from which I cannot tell nor retrieve anything at all. I occasionally looked at the degrees and certificates I have earned and I could not believe that I did earn those on my own, I think they belong to somebody else, not me. The past is being dissolved like grains of salt into water, right before my eyes.
And when I think about salt, I am dying to have some salt at hand to put into my mouth. I long for the taste of salt on my tongue. Unfortunately, I do not have any salt in my studio. I have not cooked for a very long time. I missed those days when I had a lot of time and passion to cook, to invent some new recipes, to eat slowly and much more time to think, to sleep and to write… Is the world spinning too fast in my frame of reality? This I cannot tell.
More often than not, I feel bad about myself and helpless that I let many close friends in my circle down because I missed a whole lot of deadlines of projects. They must have been so disappointed. But I could not help. I then come to believe time flies faster for me only. I might have gone mad, or lost my mind. I wake up every morning feeling that I am losing the grips on my own memories, seconds by seconds, that I am floating in some otherworldly dimensions, which is by all means inexplicable…
The Mid-Autumn Festival was five days ago, and that night I was thinking about my father, about what I would do for the day when I was a child. We would make a lantern out of a plastic bottle, or some fireworks out of dried pommelo seeds. We would go around the neighbourhood and be watching the big, red moon to come out of the bamboo woods nearby my house.
What time is it? I do not know. And the rain keeps pouring down…